Anser Journal

Three Poems

By Shawn Berman

IN THIS HOUSE WE’RE ONLY ALLOWED TO WATCH PG13 MOVIES BECAUSE RATED R HAS TOO MUCH GORE APPARENTLY UGHHHH

and it’s just so frustrating to live like this

to walk on eggshells

afraid to put on

oh idk

die hard

without hearing you squeam every 5 seconds in your chair.

sometimes i just wanna bro out a bit and watch bruce willis light motherfuckers up with an uzi,

left and right—excuse my french.

tbh i feel like you’re holding me back and that i’m missing out on so many good things that would make my life exponentially better, like

the chance to franchise a mcdonald’s

that sells shamrock shakes year-round.

between you and me: i don’t have the capital or mental energy to make that happen but it’s a pretty brilliant marketing strategy, ya?

i would open a spot up right across the street from your office building since the traffic to get one of those shakes would tack on an extra 10 mins to your commute at night.

nothing substantial, but just annoying enough to remind you how

wrong we are for each other

and that no matter how much

we communicate ™️

our relationship will never work out in the long run,

unfortunately. how sad. how sad. :)

I HAVE THIS IDEA FOR A NOVEL ABOUT A MANBUN BUT YOU THINK IT’S KINDA STUPID SO WHATEVER

in this novel we meet our hero:

manbun the manbun

and he is the last manbun on earth after

the hipster revolution

that resulted in lots of burned down luxury apartment whole food complexs across the united states.

i don’t have much plotted out yet but think

world war z meets home alone 2:

just a scared and helpless manbun looking for protection...

for family...

for anything in this crazy messed up world.

if I’m being honest with myself, my attention deficit is even worse than usual these days

so the chances of finishing this are rather slim.

i just hope hbo sees enough potential and options manbun the manbun for 3 seasons, 50 episodes.

i think it has a shot to be the next lost.

i’ll probably use that sweet cable money to buy us a little ranch

in montana where we can live out the rest of our days

watching horses race, wondering how it’s even possible

for them to have over 200 bones in their bodies.

freakin wild, man.

TECHNICALLY, SINCE CENTURY FOX IS NOW OWNED BY DISNEY, THIS MEANS THAT THE XENOMORPHS FROM THE ALIEN FRANCHISE, BEING BORN FROM THE XENOMORPH QUEEN, ARE NOW DISNEY PRINCESSES

being the purist that you are

you’re not so sure that these slimy creatures deserve any

royal recognition from the public

because it could set a bad precedent and really mess of the magicalness of disney

lol.

i for one however

welcome our new evil lady lords

with open arms

as i think they make a perfect role model for people to look up to

since

ya know

xenomorphs are asexual in nature and don’t need no man to wreak havoc on civilization.

idk about you

but that sounds pretty badass to me.

honestly

you can keep your pathetic ariel.

i’m team xenomorph 100%

and i’m kinda curious if any of them are in the market for their own prince charming

aka me.

sorry babe.


Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. He can be followed on Twitter @sbb_writer. He tweets a lot about Adam Sandler.