Yoana Tosheva is a third year student at Loyola University Chicago pursuing a degree in Art History and English. She runs a blog about music which you can read at collectivecadence.home.blog. Her creative work has also been published in Diminuendo, The Beatnik Cowboy, and Bombfire.
You are splitting me open like cracked watermelon on the sidewalk,
like picking off the peeling wallpaper.
You’re moving like it’s so easy to cut through thick ice, or all this tension.
You know I don’t care what you think, I don’t need you,
yet I like to entertain what it would be if I did.
How easy we’d fit in your car, how simple it would be to love you.
But you know these are only daydreams
I looked directly at the sun today.
That kind of blinding light remains visible when you close your eyes. even minutes after.
And the rattle in my chest became its own creature,
and the wind is no home, but rather another traveler,
or perhaps a stray dog
that will lick your scraped knees for a single bone and leave you alone.
And the trees are rioting in the front yard even though the sun is out.
They no longer wish to be rooted and I never have been, so it’s something we have in common.
You are all radio silence, but I could never stand the quiet,
not with a heart like this.
noun; reliance on the integrity, strength, or ability of a person or thing
my new favorite question is asking people how they trust.
I’m trying to convince myself my walls aren’t paper thin
tomorrow I might google how to build a fortress
the thing is I still cry at least every other day,
and the song on the radio is always something from the first year,
and the smell is always something that reminds me of home.
my sadness is so tired.
it’s so old, it’s bored of itself.
you don’t think I annoy myself, too?
it’s not my fault nine out of the twelve months here are icy,
or that I cringe when you wave your hands around in an argument.
I remember one time
He hit me so hard I fell back on the bed.
a couple months later he hugged me
and I shook so hard it’s a wonder my skin didn’t shimmy off my bones.